Control: Both Sides Now

Just this morning, someone (she is a person I’ve asked to leave my business) told me that I would not succeed because I was controlling. Precisely quoted from her email, she said,“…Controlling others will never make you happy or successful.”

I agree. I love her courage in speaking her truth…finally.  And, three things come immediately to mind:

  1. I’ve never accused anyone of being controlling
  2. I’ve honestly never really worried about being controlled
  3. I wondered if (she) is aware of how (she) controls others

All that said, no matter what, I still agree. She is right. Controlling other people and establishing rigid outcomes will not create a successful environment. Yet, controlling the energy of a business vision and its environment are one of the requirements/prerequisites to focus on a path towards a desired result, to stabilize the business platform, to convey the core values and weave them into the message.

Some appropriate uses of control:

-Control is important when setting up a business vision and finding people to support and sustain it.

-Control of the environment as a teacher, presenter, facilitator, even a life coach or therapist is important in containing, directing and channeling the energy, keeping it all on track, as well as expressing the message appropriately and clearly.

-Creating a boundary or a container when in the path of another’s rage or emotional expressions are good uses of control.

-Legal, health and other professionals use control to assist people in healing their bodies and their mental-emotional issues.

-Assertive, direct people are often seen as controlling and aggressive in the eyes of passive-aggressive people.

-Parents control their children to demonstrate family values; they show the children what behaviors work in relation to those values and how to execute a successful plan for the desired outcome.

-Most of us control our pets so other people aren’t affected by their behaviors and presence.

In this situation, I reminded me, that I am allowed to control my business according to my vision and that no one controls my responses. Instead, I see them as choices I make.

My business vision is nothing new—I’ve shared that vision all along the way with everyone involved (including her). Those who do not hold it dear (in mind, body & behaviors) are allowed to depart and find another place to work. I remembered too, that I have absolutely no responsibility to employ people who choose to resist the philosophical tenets of my business vision and how it is made manifest. I have no responsibility to manage anyone’s disrespect of me in my home or in relation to my business. Their response to my choices in who and when I dis-employ, and their problematic opinions about the parameters I create for that employment is none of my concern. They can either take it or leave it.

Honestly, I reserve the right to control my life in its entirety, as well as the way I relate to those with whom I share it. Interestingly enough, without (her) controls in place, I would never have asked (her) to leave. Yeah, very interesting.

Some things to consider about covert, emotional control:

-People who don’t show or tell are often just hiding anger, fear and resentment. They passively pretend to be cool, calm and collected, interested and cooperative, when they are not.

-Passive-aggression is at the root of aggression.

-Resistance is control.

-Emotionally controlling people tell you what they believe you want to hear and then get angry when you ask them to be responsible or committed to a course of action.

-Emotional control is an act of self-hatred projected outward.

-Emotional control is irresponsibility in disguise. It sneaks-up on the responsible person who actively chooses, creates, manifests and takes ownership of their choices.

-Emotional control is perpetrated through false representation, non-response, ignoring, avoiding, unwillingness to share resources, taking and not giving, saying one thing and meaning another.

-Emotional control is passive and indecisive; it forces another person to choose for you and then you can lay blame when the outcome isn’t what you wanted.

-Disempowered people control by not responding directly and maturely, instead making cutting remarks to stir the emotional-chemical stew.

-Disempowered people control by creating chaos to get an emotional response, then blame their targets for being reactive to the attack.

I choose the frequency, places and people I play with on my journey. I am responsible for my choices and their consequences. If that is controlling, then so be it.




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